The Great Bible Panic of 2023: How a Small Book Triggered a Monumental Overreaction

The MRFF claims some soldiers they "cannot bear the sight" of a Bible on public display. (Midjourney)

Gather ’round for a tale of horror and disbelief, where the mere sight of a Bible is enough to sends shivers down the spines of the brave souls at the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF).

Feast your eyes, if you dare, on this bone-chilling snapshot that’s got the MRFF trembling in their combat boots:

It’s a snapshot of a Missing Man table at the VA Medical Center in Lexington, Kentucky. The memorial honors fallen, missing, or imprisoned military service members.

But hold the phone, what’s that shadowy figure lurking on the table? Could it be?

Yes! It’s the Gideon New Testament Bible, sitting there all innocent-like, but don’t be fooled —it’s got the power of a black hole, ready to warp the minds of anyone who dares glance its way.

Lean in real close now, and you might just catch the dramatic hum of Wagner’s “The Ride of the Valkyries” tickling your eardrums (da-da-da-DUM, da-da-da-DUM)?

Here comes the MRFF, swooping in like they’re gonna save Gotham from the Joker. Only this time, it’s not Gotham, it’s Kentucky, and it’s not the Joker, it’s a book!

With all the drama of a soap opera cliffhanger, a dozen MRFF clients stood taller than a toddler on a step stool to protest the presence of this, this… literary villain with its tales of violence, myth, and misogyny.

They penned a heartfelt (and lengthy) plea to the MRFF, lamenting the unbearable sight of the Good Book in their presence.

“We cannot bear the sight of this table,” they cried, “due to its proselytizing message!”

If you weren’t aware, the Bible is notorious for jumping off tables and forcing its beliefs on the unsuspecting passerby.

The head honcho of the Lexington VA Health Care System, after decoding the MRFF’s Morse code of distress, made a “heroic” call to action: “Get that Bible outta here!”

MRFF claims the VA Health Care System issued a memorandum to its hospitals on Nov. 28, stating:

“All table displays within VA Lexington Health Care System will contain the following: small table, white tablecloth, single rose, vase, yellow ribbon, slice of lemon, salt, bread plate, glass, candle, empty chair, and a journal.”

Bibles are now banned in Missing Man table displays — replaced with blank journals.

That’s right. Blank journals. Because nothing honors the memory of our missing and fallen comrades quite like an empty book.

Oh, it’s V-Day for the MRFF. I’m on the edge of my seat here, waiting for them to announce their victory lap and ticket parade.

They’ve had plenty of similar victories before. They’ve been on a roll, from Wilkes-Barre to Denver, making sure no Bible can rest in peace on a table.

What’s next on their docket? Will they save mankind from those religious pamphlets in waiting rooms? Only time will tell. Stay strong, MRFF. The faint-hearted are counting on you.

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